


Air Mattress

by Megalomaniacal



Category: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Genre: Adopted Children, Adoption, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-11-20
Updated: 2017-11-20
Packaged: 2019-02-04 19:04:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,213
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12777501
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Megalomaniacal/pseuds/Megalomaniacal
Summary: It was reasonable to assume that Dennis Reynolds should not be raising a child.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> @epicfrenchfry told me to call this "Dennis the DILF"   
> I am NOT doing that  
> Anyway  
> DENNIS'S DOUBLE LIFE DOESNT EXIST but this is still like a few months probably after the Gang Goes to a Water Park and Mac and Dennis have their apartment and still share a bed and r happy gays still in denial   
> This chapter is SHIT but I just needed 2 get her adopted okay

Normally, Dennis enjoyed the gang's little schemes. He came up with most of them, of course, he was the leader of the gang and the only one out of all five of them that had more than two functioning brain cells. He didn't, however, enjoy being tasked to rooting through one of the sketchiest neighborhoods in Philly to hunt down one of Frank's old whores. Sure, he was the only one handsome and charming enough, but he was pretty sure it was just because none of the others wanted to do it. Normally he would've argued with them, but he decided against it. He could be calm.

There was literally broken glass crunching under his shoes with every step he took. It was the poster child for sketchy neighborhoods, trash bags on all the sidewalks, people smoking on the porches, the shouting coming from some of the houses. He wrinkled his nose when he reached the entrance to the alleyway he had to walk down to get to the whore's apartment. 

The alleyway smelled bad. It was lined with dumpsters and trash bags, and Dennis was glad that it was the middle of the day. He was too pretty to be out alone at night. 

He was about halfway down the alleyway when someone ran straight into him and bounced back onto the ground, cursing loudly. 

"What the fuck?!" The person stood up, fixing her backpack on her shoulders, the anger on her face slowly fading into confusion when she saw Dennis's face. Dennis stared down at her, equally confused. 

"Abby?" 

She crossed her arms, looking to the side and frowning. Her hair looked dirty, tangled, tied in a messy ponytail as opposed to the bright, sleek, blonde pigtails she'd worn at the water park. She was wearing all black, too, with some dirt streaked down her face. "Dennis."

"Why are you here?" 

She sneered, looking back at him. "I live here. Why are you here?" Her tone was accusatory, as if Dennis had walked into something he wasn't supposed to. He was pretty sure he had. 

"You live in an alleyway." He deadpanned. 

"Maybe! Who cares?"

"You smell like shit, Abby." 

"You look like shit!"

"You look like shit, too! Have you seen yourself?"

"I don't care!" 

"You look like some homeless orphan!" He snapped. 

"Maybe I am!" She shouted back, stomping her foot like a toddler who wasn't getting what she wanted. Dennis paused- not sure how to reply- before grabbing her wrist and starting to drag her out onto the street. 

"What the fuck are you doing?" She screeched, trying to pull her arm away. 

"Adopting you." He replied sharply, sternly, not letting go of her. 

"I don't need parents!"

"Okay, well, that sucks for you, doesn't it?" Dennis snapped. "I'm not dealing with this shit right now. Stop squirming and be grateful, you little shit." 

"You just found me in a fucking alleyway-"

"Language!"

"You can't just adopt kids you find in an alleyway!" She screeched. 

Dennis whipped around, grabbing her by the shoulders. They were in the middle of the sidewalk, but it wasn't as if anyone cared enough to pay attention to what they were saying. He knelt down, eye level with her. 

"Abby. Do you or do you not have parents?"

She glared down at him. "I don't."

"Do you have a home."

"No." She snapped, cheeks flushing a bit as she looked down at her feet. 

"Where do you sleep?"

"None of your business!" Abby looked back up at him, eyes narrowed. "I sleep just fine and I am just fine, you creep!"

He rolled his eyes. "Yeah, yeah. Do you sleep in that alleyway?"

"No."

"The where do you sleep?"

She shrugged, maintaining her glare now. "None of your business." 

"Would you like to have your own room? Like, an actual place to live?" 

He hated to admit it, but ever since he'd met Abby at the water park and then Mandy visited with his baby, he'd had a soft spot for kids. Sure, they were smelly and rude and gross, but he was able to teach them, and they were loving and forgiving. He'd taught Abby how to turn stealing into an art. His son, Brian jr, had still said 'dada' and hugged him like Dennis was the best thing in the world. Dennis had always thought he'd hate kids and be a shit father. Being around them, however, seemed to make him a little less angry. 

"I don't care." 

He rolled his eyes. "Oh, come on. I know a liar when I see one. Remember that day at the waterpark?"

"Where you pretended to be my dad so you could steal shit that I stole back from you?" She sneered. 

"Yeah, whatever. You're twelve years old, you're a kid, you can't be rooting around sleeping outside in sketchy places like this. You're gonna get murdered or kidnapped-"

"Like you're doing right now."

"I'm not kidnapping you! You're gonna get murdered or raped and then go crying back to your dumpster, or wherever it is that you sleep, and you're gonna grow up to be a prostitute and a coke addict with no friends or family to identify your body when you die, because that's what happens to homeless little thieving orphan girls who think they're tough." 

"Did you just tell me that I'm gonna be a coke whore?" 

"You will be if you don't come with me." 

Abby huffed. "Well, you're wrong. I'm not dumb, you creep." 

"Listen, Abigail." He let go of her shoulders and she, surprisingly, didn't try to run off. "You come to my apartment, okay? You'll get a room to yourself, we have a television, we have a kitchen with plenty of food. I won't lock you in or anything, you can come and go as you please, as long as you come back to sleep in a safe place at night."

The blonde paused, as if weighing her options, before finally sighing and shrugging. "Fine. Whatever." 

\---

The first words Abby spoke once entering the apartment were "Is that your boyfriend?" She was pointing at Mac. 

Dennis laughed, shaking his head. "No. He's my roommate."

"You're like, forty? And you don't have a girlfriend or a boyfriend?" 

Mac looked up from the television to see what the noise was, brows furrowing with confusion at the sight of Dennis standing in the doorway with a preteen. "Um, Den?"

"Abby, this is Mac. He's my best friend and roommate. Mac, this is Abby. She's my daughter now."

Abby rolled her eyes but Mac's face lit up and he stood, arms spread as he walked forward as if he was trying to hug her. She quickly stepped out of the way. 

"Daughter?! Is this because you feel bad for not letting us raise Brian Jr? You knew I wanted a kid, Dennis!" 

Dennis closed his eyes for a moment, taking a deep breath. Mac was an idiot. "No, dumbass. I found her in the trash. She's like dumpster baby, but twelve."

"Asshole." Abby mumbled. 

"She's going to be sleeping in the gym."

"The- hey! No way! That room is for the Ass Pounder, not for kids to sleep in." 

"The what?" Abby raised an eyebrow, arms crossed over her chest. 

"It's a workout bike!" Mac exclaimed, as if that was obvious. 

"We'll move it into our room." Dennis snapped, not noticing Abby's raised brow. "We have an air mattress, anyway. We can put it in the room for her."

"So... you're not a couple?" Abby looked to Mac and then back to Dennis. 

"No! Okay?"

"Whatever you say, Dennis." 

"Dad! I am dad now!" Dennis demanded, face flushing when Abby laughed at him. 

"Yeah. Okay, dad. Whatever."


	2. Abby Joins a Beauty Pageant

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It took me FOREVER to find a source that actually told me how child pageants work then I finally found one  
> Then I decided that's too much work so I'm just doing the interview and talent sections of the pageant

"Abby, you cannot drink the goddamn beer!"

The preteen grinned, looking at him from across the bar, clutching the bottle in her lap. "Why not? You gave it to me."

"I gave nothing to you!" Dennis argued, throwing his hands up in the air. "I was drinking it and you took it!"

"You taught me to be this way." Abby taunted, lifting the bottle up to her lips and taking a few large sips before Dennis snatched it out of her hands.

"I did nothing of the sort." Dennis huffed, placing the bottle on a shelf beneath his side of the bar where she couldn't reach it. "I've had you for a week. I just improved on what you already knew. If you'd actually listen to me, you'd be a genius."

She laughed, pigtails swaying as she shook her head. "I can't listen if you don't talk to me. All you do is argue with your boyfriend."

"Mac is not my boyfriend." Dennis groaned. "And anyway, we haven't had any schemes for you to help with. Once we do, you'll be thrown into a world of knowledge."

"Right now I'm ready to be thrown into a world of beer." She snickered, reaching back over the bar. He gently smacked her hand away.

"Abby! Stop with that! You are not drinking!"

The kid was a pain in the ass, even if Dennis did enjoy her company. She reminded him a bit of himself, but with less trauma. Or maybe more, he didn't know her very well yet. She seemed mentally sound.

"Are you giving beer to underage kids?"

Dee walked up behind him, nudging him out of the way and grinning at Abby. "You don't wanna go down that road, honey. You know what's better than drinking?"

"What?"

"Pageants."

"Jesus Christ, Deandra, you are not putting my child in a beauty pageant!" Dennis spoke before Abby could respond, turning to glare at his sister. "I don't want gross old man judges looking at her like some piece of meat."

So maybe he was a little bit protective. He wouldn't admit it, especially not after just a week, but he really cared about the kid. She was smart, had a lot of potential, and he genuinely wanted to give her a good experience growing up, even if it was just for her teenage years.

He really was getting old and crazy.

"Okay, but pageants are great opportunities. You can dress up, cover all-" Dee waved her hand in front of Abby's face- "All of that, and then you win a trophy and some cash and rub it in all the other girls' faces."

"... Cash?" Abby raised an eyebrow, leaning forward a little bit. "How much?"

"I've seen girls win ten thousand before. And by girls, I mean me. I won ten thousand." Dee flashed her a smile. "I could help coach you."

"Well, Aunt Dee, I think I want to join a pageant."

* * *

 

"I can't fucking believe you." Dennis snapped, glaring at his twin sister. They stood outside the hotel bathroom's door, Dee's hair up in fancy curls, face painted with makeup to match Abby's. Abby, his twelve year old 'daughter' who was currently getting dressed in some ridiculous pageant gown. "You're using her to get money."

"She agreed to it." Dee shrugged, checking her arms to make sure her fake tan was even. As if she was going to be doing anything other than helping Dennis to escort Abby around. Dennis was only wearing suit because Dee had forced him to. She'd also fussed over his hair and makeup until he shoved her away and did it himself.

"You are exploiting my child."

"She's barely your child." Dee scoffed. "You've known her for, what? Two weeks? And you practically kidnapped her. Anyway, Mac and Charlie are going to be in the audience."

"I don't care." Dennis grunted, knocking on the bathroom door. "Abby! Are you done?"

The knob turned and the blonde stepped out, nose scrunched in disgust. Her hair was up in dramatic curls, lips painted bright pink, makeup caked on her face. It made Dennis want to puke- she looked too old, and he didn't like it one bit. She was twelve, not twenty.

"This dress is ugly." Abby huffed, crossing her arms, and Dennis had to agree. It was a bright shade of pink to match her lips, tightening at the waist before dramatically spreading out into uncountable layers of fabric that made her look like an inside-out mushroom.

"Yeah, well, all pageant clothes are ugly. You just have to stand out. Get used to it." Dee looked her up and down, making sure everything was perfectly in place. "You look like a whore. Perfect."

"You look like a whore, but it's not just because of the pageant." Abby snapped. "I'm uncomfortable, you smell weird, and I just want my money."

Dee glared at her, crossing her arms as well. "I smell weird? Me? Fine, dumpster kid. You can do the rest of this pageant by yourself then."

"Okay, and you can go suck dick for money behind the hotel-"

"Abby!" Dennis interrupted as Dee stormed out of the hotel room. "You can't talk to your aunt like that. Don't say vulgar stuff like that at all! You are twelve years old!"

"She called me a-"

"Abby!" Dennis snapped, his tone softening when he saw the hurt in her expression. "Sorry, sorry. Just don't listen to Dee, okay? She's kind of stupid. Really stupid."

"Who's gonna take her place?"

"We don't need her."

"Uh, yeah, we did. I need you guys for the interview and stuff. I'm supposed to have two 'parents.'"

"All we have to do is stand with you. You'll be fine with one."

"Why don't you ask your boyfriend?"

Dennis took a deep breath. "He is not my boyfriend, Abigail."

"I've seen you guys kiss." She teased. "Dennis and Mac sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-"

"Fine! Fine! I'll call him, Jesus Christ, Abby! Shut up!" He turned away from her, grabbing his phone off the hotel bed, dialing Mac's number and holding the phone up to his ear. He argued with him for a few minutes before hanging up and turning back to Abby.

"So?"

"He'll be up here in a few minutes."

Abby snickered again. "Dennis and Mac sitting in a-"

"Abby! Shut up!" Dennis shouted, holding his hands over his ears like an annoyed child. Abby burst out laughing, smiling wide, and Dennis couldn't help but grin. "You're so immature."

"I'm twelve, what's your excuse?" She taunted, wiggling her eyebrows and making him laugh.

"You're lucky it's hard for me to get mad at you." He warned.

"It's 'cause I'm perfect."

"No, it's 'cause you're twelve."

And because she reminded him of a younger, better version of himself. Because he found her and taught her a handful of criminal things, and somehow became attatched to the kid in less than twenty four hours. Because for some reason, he found her again in a shitty neighborhood and decided, fuck it, bring the kid home.

"A twelve year old is smarter than you."

"Now you're just lying. He snickered, rolling his eyes and turning to open the door when he heard a knock. Mac stepped in, wearing his stupid duster over his normal sleeveless shirt and ugly blue pants.

"There's your boyfriend!" Abby exclaimed, smiling up at Mac. "Hi daddy."

Mac's eyes widened, eyebrows raising as he turned to Dennis. "Woah, dude, what're you telling this kid?"

"We aren't boyfriends, goddamnit Abigail." Dennis grumbled. "Mac, she needs us there for the interview portion. We have to be down there, like, now."

"Okay." He nodded, pausing to look at Abby. "She looks like-"

"I know, Mac. Shut up. Come on. Abby, you too. I want to be down there early."

She whined but followed when he walked out, complaining the whole elevator ride down to the first floor, continuing to grumble under her breath until they were lining up backstage.

Sometimes Dennis wondered what his life would've been like if he'd gone to North Dakota with Mandy and Brian Jr. It had been hard not to, with his own baby saying 'bye dada' and reaching out for him, with the painful thought that he'd never be good for anything, especially not being a father. He looked down at Abby, holding her hand and giving it a small squeeze. She grinned up at him, and he wished he'd settled down and had kids. They made him feel a little more sane, a little less on edge and crazy.

He really fucking hoped that Mandy could find a good man to help raise their son. The thought of them kept him up at night, and even though she told him not to, he sent them checks every month with as much money as he could spare. Even if he couldn't be there, he wanted the kid to grow up better than he did. Abby was already growing up, Dennis couldn't change her childhood, but he was set on being a good father for her.

It was weird, picking up an orphaned kid in a dark alley and bringing them home. It was really, really fucking weird, but Dennis felt a connection to the girl. He wasn't superstitious by any means, but running into her again- especially under those circumstances- was too much of a coincidence for him to ignore. He could've found any kid, but it just happened to be one he'd helped at the stupid waterpark a few months before.

"Dennis, c'mon." Mac smacked his arm, snapping him out of his thoughts. He blinked quickly and nodded his head, walking out onto the stage with Abby and Mac.

Abby let go of their hands, moving to step in front of them and blowing a kiss to the judges. They clapped politely.

"Miss Abby Reynolds, welcome. We will be asking you a few questions. First, what do you like to do for fun?"

"Sing!" Abby answered immediately, fake smile wide on her face.

"Okay. Who do you look up to?"

"My two dads." Abby turned and pretended to look fondly at them, a glint of mischief in her eye. Dennis wanted to yell that they were not, in fact, both her dads.

"Why is that?"

"They inspire me to do my best and stay happy each and every day!" She lied, voice light and happy, sickeningly sweet.

"What is your favorite color?"

"Pink, just like this beautiful dress I'm wearing!" She gushed, doing a small twirl as if to model it.

"Thank you, Abby. You may leave the stage."

The second they were off the stage, Abby was laughing at Dennis.

"Two dads, huh?" Dennis grumbled, brows furrowed. "Now all the pageant moms think Mac and I are gay lovers, Jesus Christ Abby."

Mac laughed along with her, albeit a bit nervously, and placed a comforting hand on his best friend's shoulder. "Hey, it's fine. She's just trying to catch their attention, make sure she seems friendly." He shifted his attention to the preteen. "You ready for the talent section?"

"That's not for another two hours-"

"We need to get you ready." Mac insisted, obviously uncomfortable in the backstage area surrounded by angry moms and bratty kids.

She shook her head and whined. "You just wanna hang out with Dennis."

"Abby! You have to get dressed!"

"But I don't wanna go back yet!" Abby stomped her foot, making eye contact with Dennis, one of the corners of her lips twitching up as she tried not to smirk. He faked a sigh.

"It's okay, Mac. We should socialize with the others anyway. You can go get all of her things set up, if you'd like."

* * *

 

"Holy shit, Dennis."

Mac stared wide-eyed at the two of them as they walked in, Abby carrying two plastic bags and Dennis carrying at least five. They dropped them on one of the two beds, and Abby looked up at Mac, seemingly beyond thrilled with herself.

"Look in the bags, daddy."

He narrowed his eyes just a bit but turned to look at them anyway, dumping them out one by one onto the bed. Out came lipsticks, eyeshadow palettes, tubes of gloss and mascara, cans of hairspray, bobby pins, hairties, hair clips, small bottles of perfumes and foundations, a couple wads of cash, a children's wallet, and a shit ton of other things Mac couldn't identify.

"You guys are thieves."

"Artists." Abby corrected, placing her hands on her hips and looking rather smug. "All we did was walk around and talk to people. It's not my fault they they kept leaving their things on the floor."

Dennis felt a surge of pride as he watched Abby explain the crime to Mac.

"She's very smart, Mac." Dennis nodded. "But right now-" He turned his gaze to her- "She needs to get in the bathroom and change."

Mac waited until she was in the bathroom with the door shut before speaking. "She acts like you. But, like, not the angry parts."

Dennis nodded proudly. "Yeah. She's pretty damn great. Except for all that boyfriend bullshit about us."

"I mean, she's not wrong."

"Excuse me?"

"Dennis, we do kinda, y'know, we are boyfriends, we sleep in the same bed, make out all the time, you've told me you love me, we go on dates, we have sex-"

"Okay, okay, I get it!" Dennis huffed.

"Do you wanna be my boyfriend?" Mac looked up at him with those god damn droopy puppy dog eyes. "Like, will you?"

"Jesus fucking Christ Mac, whatever. Sure. Yes, okay?" He snapped when Mac looked sadly up at him. "Okay. Fine. You're my boyfriend. You already were, apparently, so. Whatever."

Mac's face split into a wide, goofy grin and he practically flung himself at Dennis. "Fucking awesome, dude. I'm gay."

"Yes, Mac. I know." He rolled his eyes and patted Mac on the back. Mac wasn't wrong, really, they acted like a couple that had been married for twenty years. There was also the fact that they were raising a child that Dennis had surprise adopted together. And the fact that everytime Mac touched him he felt his heart jump into his throat.

Abby threw open the bathroom door, coming out in a pink and silver mermaid dress and dramatically spinning in front of them. "How are the newlyweds doing? I hope I didn't make you wait to long."

"We're not married." Dennis grumbled, shoving Mac off of him.

"Boyfriends."

"Whatever, Abby."

She snickered, walking to the door. "Old married couple." She announced before walking out.

"Abby! Wait!" Dennis stood up, turning and giving Mac a look as if to say 'what is wrong with this child.' Mac gave him a look back that said 'she's taking after you.' He followed her out of the room and Mac followed suit.

"Dennis." Mac whined, hurrying to catch up and then grabbing Dennis's hand. "We are boyfriends. You will walk with me."

Dennis rolled his eyes but took Mac's hand, walking with him into the elevator and then into the room where the stage was, finding themselves seats in the third row. They talked quietly to each other, insulting the other mothers and their children, talking about how idiotic the judges were, and discussing how they could scam the money if Abby lost. It passed the time until the talent section started and they were able to quietly critique all the other contestants' performances.

And then Abby was up, pink and silver dress sparkling in the spotlights, singing some gross bubblegum pop song into the mic and dancing around the stage, blowing kisses to and winking at the crowd. Dennis stood up to clap when she was done, looking smugly at all the mothers sitting around him.

The smug feeling only increased later on in the afternoon when Abby won first place in her age group, going up against the first place winners in the other groups- who all, for some reason, had technical errors with their final performances- and winning the whole pageant.

They may or may not have stolen some crucial items from all the other competitors. It was worth it to see the check in Abby's hands and the pissed off looks on the other moms' faces.

"Excuse me, yes, hi, excuse me, winners coming through. Ma'am, you and your ugly daughter are blocking the hall- no, I'm not sorry, you tell her to stop crying- hello, we won, thank you, out of the way-" Dennis ordered, smirking down at everyone he passed in a condescending manner. "Abby, you're the winner, don't let any of these girls look at you like that. They're jealous because they're ugly just like their mothers. Excuse me, ma'am, I will report you for homophobia if you keep looking and me and my boyfriend like that." He smirked at a particular blonde woman who huffed and looked away.

He spent the elevator ride speaking loudly about Abby's success, and starting cackling wildly once back in the hotel room, patting her on the back. "Nice job, Abby."

"Thanks, dad." She smiled up at him before going over to her suitcase and putting the check away, pulling out a wallet instead. She handed it to him. "Since I won, I won't need this anymore."

He looked down at his wallet- the one that had gone missing a week or so ago- and then back at Abby.

"You're a little shit, you know that?"

She shrugged, smile on her face. "It's just art, daddy."


End file.
